Kids Say the darnest things

Why We Love Children


1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it

didn't move."





2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"



3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."



5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's

sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."



6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into

the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"





8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little

to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"







11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."